Changes.

How easily our desires and expectations can enslave us, and rob us of our freedom to be ourselves. Sometimes, it might even take us further away from our wants.

The less infatuated I've become, the more he now turns to me with smiles.

- - - - - - - - - -

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” - Yoda

From Day 1, she didn't hide her contempt for the new competition, and tried to trip me up every chance that she had and could conjure, afraid that I would 'usurp' the newly vacated position that she had wanted, so much, and for so long. Even after she got what she wanted, she continued her campaign, albeit less intense. But by then, I had also become better at my work, and more streetwise in my dealings with her. By then too, she had grown increasingly complacent, bolder, and, 'careless'. Ultimately, it all fell apart. Her downfall has now led to the position falling into my lap; the very thing that she had feared.

It's strange how things work themselves out.

Yes, I've been promoted -- sans raise because of this year's pay freeze. Oh well...

History lessons.

While looking for some old photos, found my last hand-written diary. Almost forgot that I kept one during University days. A quick flip brought back interesting memories and names from 10 years ago. Has it been that long? Wow.

Started reading through my self-absorbed ramblings and thoughts about people and situations; reliving dalliances and heartbreaks (not just mine, unfortunately). Wondered how much of it was just my delusional self re-writing history though. Heh.

It was an interesting exercise, looking back at my younger self in hindsight, but with the benefit of much thicker skin (comes with age) to take my past choices and indiscretions in perspective. Oh, how I used to cringe just recalling those days; reading my diaries back then only made me dreadfully self-conscious. But it never stopped me from writing. Heh.

The thing about recording your life on paper is that it's a physical record that doesn't fade with selective or the onset of failing memory. Heh.

Thought about the year past and the months ahead, of paths already taken and soon to be taken. Realised with a curious mix of amusement and frustration, how sometimes I still made the same choices even though I already know better. But last night, chose to detach, reflect and understand why I still did what I did. Made a mental note to spend more time contemplating my choices the next time, especially the 'bad' ones. And more importantly, these words that I've almost forgotten about, gave me another avenue of insight to understand what I was, what I am, and, what and how I can and will be.

Some day, I hope to be able to read my diaries from cover to cover. Without cringing.